I almost feel as if I should step in and show these humans the truth, but I stop myself because not everyone is ready for the truth. I could get killed for it. There’s a reason why it is a secret. It was a mistake by someone in the past to let out that we exist, but as you can see now, we are fictional. Maybe it’s best to keep it at that. Hopefully, no more mistakes will come in the future.

I wasn’t meant to be what I am. Or I do feel I am not meant to be. There was no choice for me and I loathe it each day…
I am frowned upon greatly at my actions, but the one who created me should be at fault. You are chosen for a reason. Not by beauty or capabilities. You have to have something no other has. I do not fully understand it, but I know it is something not even a human can understand. Hence I was a mistake.

My creator may be dead if found what he has done. He may already be dead, but I will never know. They may be searching for me. If there is a way to end myself then let it be. I have been searching that answer for many years…

I don’t want to offend those who believe they are vampires. There are many religions, beliefs, etc… out there. It is human nature. You are curious. We all are. You want to be something or to feel something. The “want” is the reason to our curiosity. That is who we are. If there is a God then he created us curiously to see how we would react. If only I could believe he is real…

Maybe the true vampire is the something like a God. There are many things out there we do not know that not even science can answer. But maybe it is best we do not know. I’ve avoided my kind and I do not know the answers, but I do know what I’ve seen and been told. There is so much about “true” vampires that I cannot tell you it. I think they even don’t know where they came from. I’m sure even the curious vampire tries to find that answer. We are all curious humans and vampires.

I still avoid as much people as I can, but I cannot stay alone in my home forever. I must get out. I must walk among the humans to feel, smell, hear, taste, and see them. It’s like a drug in a way. No being can stand being alone.

I’ve been catching up with the modern day. Though the internet is wide I still need to see more outside of it as well. I’ve managed to watch movies, see a live concert (from a distance though), and much more. Life has wandered its essence into my home and overpowered my will to stay away. Maybe it’s not so bad… I hope not. I don’t want to make the same mistake again…

Could there be a chance that I could be free? Is there a being out there who has the answers to my questions?

I feel there is more…

Please tell me…

I’m not quite sure how to answer this, but I will try as best as my mind will let me…

Are you a believer of psychics, telepaths, and such? I do. I’ve experienced my own kind with these abilities. Maybe it’s the reason why they were chosen. I will never really know.

I’m sure I mention before that I had believed in choice. Well there’s a reason behind that. Vampires as bored as I, maybe even more bored, tend to ponder ways to keep them entertained. They would go as far as taking someone else into their suffering. They would find a companion and take them without a given choice. That’s what happened to me…

It was very long ago and I hate to think of this ever again, but why would I be writing to all of you? I guess this is my entertainment. I was ignorant for my actions. Wine is such a grand beverage. I still to this day drink it’s deliciousness. I miss the 19th century wine though. It was by far the best wine I had ever tasted. My father had passed and my mother and I was left with nothing. I mourned for his death and was nothing better but a drunk. I did not feel that life was worth it anymore. There were so many dying around me, but when he died I was left with emptiness. Yes my mother was still there, but she wouldn’t speak to me. Her mourning made her silent and I never heard her beautiful stories of her adventures. I always loved her stories. I loved hearing the same ones even if I heard them a million times…

He wanted me so bad that he took away my life. Yes I wanted it at the time, but not like that. A new life like this is not a life…it’s a punishment. I didn’t believe I deserved it. If there is a God then I had done much better than most among us. I could blame him, but he wasn’t the one who turned me…

I didn’t know what had happened to me a first. I just woke up feeling not myself. He spoke of so much chaos I couldn’t think straight. They were riddles to me. Vampires wasn’t a word I thought of then. It was just a story you heard among the wise. I wasn’t told I was a vampire either. I was told I was one with the beautiful. The blessed. A gift I will adore since a new life is now granted to be eternal. How can someone, who wanted to not live, want to be reborn to another life and suffer eternity? Of course I didn’t know what had been done to me, but I was a prisoner to him. His actions, his words, everything about him kept me from running. I wondered of my mother and my past life, but I did nothing until it was too late…

There were others. That was my only way out. She was his first. She saved me because she did not want me to suffer anymore. I was going crazy. If I could I would thank her, but I’m sure she is confined by her actions. She was my second mother. I was saved by her love. She woke me of my nightmare and sent me to the real world. It wasn’t easy, but I somehow manage to get away. I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused. All I wanted to do was run and find my mother. I didn’t know how much long it had been, but I just kept running. I’m not sure how far I ran or how long. I just rremember showing up in front of the window and seeing her sitting with such frailty. She had changed so much since I last saw her. It was years and she grew older without me. I cried seeing her.

So much was happening and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My body ached and I thirst for something I could not describe. I knew I wanted something badly…

I think I had fainted because I then was inside and she was crying my name. Before I knew it she was lying on the ground, staring at me with fear. She was dying. I saw so much blood and it trailed to me. You could say I freaked. Everything of course was happening so fast that I’m not sure exactly what happened. I only remember bits and pieces. There were others attacking me and dragging me. I managed to get away and ran as far as I could once again. I ended up stopping and cried for days knowing what I had done. After that the aching struck again and I attacked more and I could remember more clearly as to what I did. That’s when I realized a story was not just a story…

I’m sure this made not much sense, but you must understand that I cannot be fully informative. It’s hard enough to write all this, but again, I must test myself. This may be more of a reason to want to know me. Fine, but I will warn you I will not let anyone be close. I will not drag anyone into this life for it is not a gift…it is a punishment. It pisses me off at these  fictionous stories as they grab people’s attention to the point of yearning. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I apologize for the brutal truth.

I don’t know if it’s painful to turn or to be bit. I don’t even know how to turn someone. It’s not from just biting that’s for sure. I don’t remember and I don’t tend to go test it out either. I pray that all of you at least understand somewhat. At least understand and not yearn for this life for it’ll be your last. And by last I mean no reincarnation, no dying, no nothing…

You should hate the thought of vampires. Vampirism is just as bad as hell…I guess you could say. I’ve never experienced hell nor do I know if it’s real, but from what the bible says and all those who describe it in their own words, have given a good example of suffering. To suffer eternity…

Funny, I’m actually thinking of quitting this now… but you need to know. You need to know the truth…

“Is it wise to be in love with a human if you’re a vampire?”

This is, of course, an emotional question for me. As you all may have seen with these fictional characters how they would just take what they want. Not I. Why would I let someone else suffer eternity as I have? Yes I’ve been in love, but I would never go as far as in loving her to an undying death. To be hollow is a punishment I will not give. I hope you all understand.

Actually, you may not understand unless you’ve been through the constant cycle.

Let me start with a memory…

I will give no details so that you can find a date. If you were a true believer you may actually try and find me. The past is the past so I beg you do not try. I would like my existence to be secretive. I’m sure I’ve mention I could be killed, but I doubt it. Maybe I would be confined for eternity and suffer even more. I plan not to have that. I will give a story and that is all. Just think of me as a story. I’m not real…

I have fallen in love many times. It is hard to stay away and I’ve somehow done well. Like the fictional vampires they see a beautiful being and want it as their own. Others out there know not to just go and take their lives. We all agree to leave it as just us. Yes there are more than one of us. I am not the only one and I’m sure I am not the only other who has opened up some truth out there. We don’t all stay around each other. Eternity is not such a grand time to spend together.

I’m off subject…
I wanted someone I could not have. She was very beautiful. Too beautiful. It was hard for me to stay away. I watched her and indulged in her actions. I even envied her life. She had so much life I yearned so greatly for it! Oh God how I wanted to have life. I wanted to be mortal again just so I could spend a life with her, but you cannot just become mortal again. Some have tried. Try jumping off a building and surviving. It didn’t feel good to them though…
I feel pain everyday. I bleed. I cry. I eat. I am like you, but I cannot die…
Some tried starving themselves and what fun that was. They couldn’t wither away. They just suffered. You don’t want to starve yourself too long. I do drink blood, but I will not tell you how I get it. That is for you to ponder.

I still think of her to this day. I guess she was the favorite of them all. She died long ago. Such a wise woman. She was even beautiful as an elder. To see someone like her with such life made you crazy. I paced daily thinking of it so much. My heart hurt and yes I do have a heart. You can say it’s soulless. It feels hollow to me everyday. That’s was it does to you after being around for such a long time. Can you guess my age? You can guess what I was when I became a vampire or even how old I am now. I’m not too sure. I would have to actually count! I don’t keep track. I may go more crazy knowing…

I do love now that when I write time begins to speed up a bit, but I won’t just keep writings. I would like to not bore you too much. Ask many many more questions and I would love to answer. I would love to have a harder question. I plan to test myself now.

I may plan to make messenger and you all can interact with me. Don’t think I’ll let you find me though. I’ve been around long enough to keep myself very secretive of my whereabouts.

If you hadn’t already figured it out I am a vampire. Not those fictional vampires you all know of that is portrayed through history and television. Though they are very interesting, I do not have their traits. I, however, seem to be seen as angelic. Fictional vampires are beautiful, seductive creatures. That part is somewhat true. Those who are “changed” are usually the ones who we fall for. They usually do not have a choice in becoming one of us.

There are good and bad. I consider myself good because I do not believe in taking the unwilling. Actually, I do not take either willing or unwilling. I loathe the “vampire” itself…

I believe in choice.

This writing seems to be very complicated it seems. I will not be too detailed so your thoughts may wander. You never know, this might become a novel. I will not be the one publishing it.

I bet you are wondering how we live all these years without being seen. Well in the beginning it was real easy. Now it seems to be getting harder and harder as the years progress. Technology seems to be more complicated. It’s not that hard to figure it out once you have the time. Hell, I have all the time in the world. You get bored with sitting around for years and doing the same things day after day. You want to experiment. You learn things you never cared to learn in the past. I wasn’t much of a english person, but now I seem to force myself to learn it. Mostly, for my writing. I like to look back and read my previous journals. You can’t remember everything once you are a vampire. Your memories fade just as if you were mortal. The only difference is you don’t get older nor do you develop great memory loss due to age. I’m not saying everyone is that way.

My mind tries to avoid the past. It haunts me. So if you were to ask me what happened during this time period I will probably tell you little. I may remember nothing. I would have to really dig in my mind to find the memory, but I choose not to remember. Go ahead and ask. This is an opportunity for you to get to know me. I will only answer what I choose, keep in mind. It may also take me some time to think about it if I care to try and remember. I’ll try not to be too long.

I guess that is enough of my rambling. I want to end this with a memory. Maybe someone out there who is like me is reading this…

This isn’t too much of a terrible memory so I will not hesitate to proceed. I love to travel. I use to travel even before I was a vampire. My parents traveled all over the world. My mother was a curator and my father an archaeologist. They met while both working. I won’t be rambling of their lives, though.

I was born in Japan during one of their travelings. Since my birth we traveled and I helped discover everything new. It was happiness for me. Maybe one of the few happy memories I have left.

I enjoyed being with my parents and seeing the whole world. The best times were seeing it as a child because I asked so many questions and they had all the answers. If only it was that easy now…

My favorite to see is Antarctica. I love the pure whiteness the surrounded me. I would get lost in its brightness. I thought it was what heaven would look like. No worries. Nothing to witness. Just plain white. Why would you want distractions anyway? If you knew the bible you would know the commandments. I dare you too look them up. I’m not much of a religious person, but I’ve read it. I use to think that heaven wasn’t suppose to be anything like the world we live in. I believed that God wanted all we know to dissipate and not be distracted by making heaven of pure white. I wasn’t a huge fan of God’s belief. I use to get frustrated at some of the things he would say in the bible. Now I pray that he would grant me death so that I can be gone of the eternity. It seems that will never happen, but I still hope. Maybe there is a God. Maybe there isn’t. Only time will tell.

I still to this day visit Antarctica to remember our trips. It has changed dramatically over the years. I felt there use to be more to it then now. I hope it will still remain if anything was to happen to this world. I, too, think of the environment.

Another idea behind fictional vampires is that they are not affected by temperature. That is not true. I feel the different temperatures all the time. I sweat, feel cold or hot, and even feel pain. I feel pain the most through all aspects. The worst you can do to a vampire is let them starve. We will still live, but we will suffer from the feelings of starvation. I’ve never starved so I do not know what happens to our bodies. I don’t dare try to find out. I have, however, tried forcing myself to not drink. That was a mistake. You become monster and would drink someone till their death. I vow never to do that again…

Yes we do drink blood. I’m not sure if it’s the need for haem as the pophyrias need, though. That is an question I may never be able to answer. We can eat regular foods as well, but blood keeps us fed. Regular foods only go through our bodies as if we hadn’t eaten. It gets rather annoying…

Well I see that the time has flown past me so I must go. I need my rest. I choose to sleep days to avoid people. I hope to see some questions soon. I actually hoping for some which is odd. I guess I am getting too bored.

On to the introduction…

What I write in here will not always be entirely detailed. Some things people may feel are just stories while others envy what I am. I decided to go ahead and write one whether you believe me or not. You are probably already wondering why I write such nonsense. Well it’s not! If you don’t like it then don’t bother to read on. I’m not here to argue or be mocked.

You can say that I am old, though, I may not look that old. I will not tell you my age because you probably wouldn’t believe me. People label us for years as vampires and I still laugh at the wonderful stories they’ve created. If you research enough you will find that vampires are mentioned throughout history. Some believe we were real while others believed diseases caused the belief, but I won’t get into history right now. If you care to know the history of vampires then research it yourself. It is very interesting to see all the different ideas and thoughts used. I will tell you that some of it is true. I’ve been around long enough to witness the events.

What most people know is the fictional vampires. The ones who only can live at night for the sun rays are too powerful for our delicate flesh, we must be staked through the heart in order to be killed, blah blah blah. Well I’m sorry to inform you, but that is not true. We live everyday lives like you do. We remain unnoticed. At first it’s difficult to hide, but over the years we grow accustomed to the mortals. I will not tell you what we are capable of or of our secrets. I would probably be killed once found out. It’s not hard to track people in this day and age. But I will tell you that we live much longer than a normal mortal life span. I’m not sure if we actually live eternally, but I haven’t heard of any other being killed or has died. What we are is still a mystery…

I hope I’m not boring you…

If you’ve read this far then I believe you are interested. I’m no good at introductions so bear with me please. I tend to babble when I write. You would understand if you had been through the long life as I have. If I could I would write and write till I would finally run out of thoughts, but the many many journals I possess already accomplished that.

If you want you may ask me a question and if I feel it is worth telling, I will answer. And please do not bore me with the same questions we all ask vampires. Ask me something that even I would ponder. You never now I may write another to answer it.

As for now au revoir…